Kol
Nidre – Civil Discourse
2019
– 5780
Frequently as I’m in conversation
with someone and the other person recounts some minor infraction they committed
they’ll say, “I’ll just have another ‘al-chet’ to add on Yom Kippur.” Though
said as a joke it reflects the popularity of this prayer. This long list of
sins – arranged in couplets for every letter of the Hebrew alphabet – is
recited twice at every service on Yom Kippur. The list that we will be reciting
8 times tonight and tomorrow, offers our acknowledgement of our wrongdoing and
pleads with God to forgive us. In essence it serves as the basis for what this
day of atonement is about.
Though many types of
transgressions are listed – from bribery and fraud, to gluttony and
stubbornness and the very general statement of wronging others – the bulk of
the misdeeds mentioned are related to speech. Gossip, foolish talk, foul speech
and false oaths are just a few of the speech-related transgressions for which
we ask forgiveness. In fact, 2/3 of the list involves some aspect of speech
related activity. Why is that? Why would the words we utter constitute the
majority of the sins that we list? What does speech have to do with negative
behavior in general and what can we do to fix it?
This question – the power of
speech – resonates with me tonight because of the charged political climate in
which we live. On social media we find how common it is for people to say
whatever they want with impunity. Comments are written on people’s Facebook
posts and people write blogs and tweet, without thinking about the effect their
words will have. There is no sense that words need to be thought about and ideas
need to be carefully crafted, before publishing them for the world to see. Once
on the internet words remain for all to see and the potential harm escalates.
Some political leaders may feel
that their words should be trusted more than others. Some share opinions and
perspectives as if they are fact in order to influence as many people as
possible. Describing something as “fake news” or boasting about the power they
have is a way in which words take on new meanings. Depending on who is speaking
words can have a reverberating impact on countless people and segments of
society.
Therefore, it is appropriate to
explore this idea tonight and try to understand what the rabbis and our Jewish
tradition are trying to teach us. By reflecting on their ideas, we can better
understand how we can communicate with our loved ones, our friends and with
others in the community.
One of the most important books on
this topic was written over 100 years by Rabbi Meir
Israel Kagan in Lithuania. The book is known as the Chofetz Chaim – The
Desirer of Life – and that is how Rabbi Kagan became to be called. He based the
book on psalm 34 which asks, “who is the one who desires life and length of
days? The one who withholds his tongue from speaking evil and his lips from
speaking guile, the one who turns from evil and does good.” In this lengthy
opus, Rabbi Kagan painstakingly enumerates and details all aspects of speech
from gossip to libel to slander and essentially teaches that every single word
that leaves our mouth must be properly thought out before we speak it. Words
impact the person we are speaking to and they impact the person or event we are
speaking about. Words reflect who we are and how we say something and what we
say can leave a lasting impression that would be hard to repair.
A classic story highlights this
point. There once was a town gossip with whom the entire town became
exasperated. She couldn’t help sharing every tidbit about everyone to everyone.
She was annoying and downright hurtful in the stories she would share. Finally,
she was called into the rabbi’s office. Strangely he gave the gossip a pillow.
He told the woman to walk with it into the town square. He walked with her
there and told her to rip open the pillow and gather all the feathers as soon
as they come out. She thought that was very strange, but she did as the rabbi
asked. At that moment the wind gusted, and the feathers flew in every
direction. She quickly realized that she would never be able to round up all
the feathers and she learned that she could never gather up all the words she
had spoken.
Words are different than actions. Actions
involve a physical, tangible act. If you steal something you can return it. If
you break something you can fix it. You light shabbat candles, you build a
sukkah, you have a seder. All of these are physical acts that can be measured
and performed in the right way. Words are not physical objects. You can’t
measure them and their impact is subjective. An article or a lecture about
astrophysics can be very important to fellow astrophysicists, but a painter may
feel otherwise. Sometimes, depending on the audience, words can be powerful or
meaningless.
But other words can be clearly
hateful both in tone and intent. In that case when used to offend and to incite,
a word that is otherwise weightless and intangible becomes the most powerful
weapon in the world. Hitler’s words at his rallies across Germany and in his
book Mein Kampf influenced millions of people in his time and still influence
people today. The words of the Torah written thousands of years ago has just as
much a positive impact as well. Words then for good or for bad have tremendous
immeasurable significance. Words whether spoken or written have no inherent
value on their own – rather it’s the impact on the person who hears or reads
them that has value.
What is said is compounded by how
it is said. When writing dialogue in a novel or play, an author or playwright
often has to add a comment after a character speaks because the reader wouldn’t
necessarily understand how the words were meant to be understood. It’s similar
to speaking. If someone were to ask me how I am I could respond “fine” (no
affect), “fine” (sounding tired) or “fine” (sounding upbeat). The tone of voice
along with body language affect the meaning of the word.
Volume plays a role too. Yelling
vs. whispering influences how words are heard. We all know that if we raise our
voice with our family members it may not be effective and could even be
harmful. If we never raised our voice and then did so once, then what we say
would be heard. But if we raise our voice all the time then after a while no
one listens anymore.
Language then plays a crucial role
in expressing the values we want to convey. The content, the impact, the
intention all combine, in a very nuanced way, to affect people deeply and
personally. If our goal is to effectively communicate our values, then the
words we choose need to reflect that. Judaism teaches us to be humble. Judaism
teaches us to be respectful. Judaism teaches us to be loving and compassionate.
Clearly then our words should convey those ideals all the time. If they don’t
then according to our tradition, we have transgressed.
Among the many books and articles
written recently about this very topic of civil discourse is a book
by Arthur C. Brooks. In his book Love Your Enemies, Brooks who is
the president of the American Enterprise Institute and a columnist for the
Washington Post, writes about how decent people can save America from the
culture of contempt. In a very easy style that draws the reader in, Brooks
outlines the crisis in discourse today and what we can do to change it. At the
end of the book he comes up with 5 steps for changing how we and others think
and talk.
His first step is called Stand up
to the Man. By that he means not to be fooled by what we read on social media
and by bullies who are strident in their speech and writing. The very strongly
opiniated who are offensive in what and how they speak can be people we may agree
with as well as people with whom we disagree. The point is to be aware of the
offensive speech and to call it out.
Brooks’ second step is to escape
the bubble. He suggests, especially on TV and the internet, to leave our
comfort zone – the channels and web sites we like – and go to other sites we
don’t normally watch or read. Doing so helps us understand what “the other
side” is thinking and helps us become better informed about issues and topics.
That increased level of awareness can help provide us the tools necessary to
enter into dialogue with the other person.
His third step is to treat others
with love and respect. This clearly isn’t a separate step but goes hand in hand
with all the steps. Our basic foundational principle is to see the humanity of
the other person and to treat the other with the respect they deserve. Or as
the Torah teaches (in Leviticus), “love your neighbor as you would be loved”.
These three principles together
lead to his 4th step which is to disagree better. Brooks argues that
“disagreement helps us innovate, improve, correct and find the truth.”
Disagreeing with someone isn’t a bad thing, in fact it’s good and can lead to
great things. By disagreeing respectfully, we learn from one another and in
fact can even find a new partner in improving our community and society. It’s
not about disagreeing – it’s about how we disagree.
And Brooks’ last step is to
disconnect from unproductive debates. There is so much information and opinions
out there that it can be overwhelming. The goal, Brooks suggests, is to be
selective and to ration what we read. Even, he says, consider going on a
“politics cleanse” tuning out of all sorts of news and social media for two
weeks. Doing that can help, with the other steps working together, to get reoriented
on the power of words and the appropriate use of them.
Brooks’ book, though concise and
important, is really just a rewording of what the Chofetz Chaim taught 150
years ago. His 5 steps are similar to what the Chofetz Chaim taught that we
should do all the time – think about our words, stand up for what is right, be
informed of all positions and speak with humility.
Though the Chofetz Chaim
thoroughly expounded on the power of our words, he saw Abraham and others in
the Bible as role models. Abraham was the first person to be in dialogue with
God and there is a significant encounter in the book of Genesis that teaches us
about civil discourse. Abraham heard from the angels who visited that God was
intending to destroy the evil cities of Sodom and Gomorrah. His nephew Lot and
his family lived there and that may have been the motivation for Abraham to
approach God.
When the angels leave his
presence, Abraham began to raise his questions with God (Genesis 18:22-33).
“Ha-af tispeh tzadik im rasha – will You sweep away the innocent along with the
guilty? What if there are 50 righteous people there…far be it from You to do
such a thing! Ha-shofet kol ha-aretz lo ya’aseh mishpat – Shall not the Judge
of all the earth deal justly?” Our first reaction is how does Abraham have the
chutzpa to talk to God that way? Where did he learn that from? There is no
other person in the Torah who talked to God let alone argued with God. Adam
answered God’s questions about the fruit from the tree in the Garden of Eden and
Cain answered God’s questions about his brother Abel, but no one in the Torah dialogued
with God let alone challenged God at all!
And the way Abraham challenged God
may seem provocative but in the next statement Abraham says, “here I venture to
speak to my God, I who am but dust and ashes.” Abraham recognizes that he in no
way compares to God and in no way has the right to speak up. By humbling
himself before God and then speaking, Abraham teaches us the respect required
when addressing other people. If Abraham can speak this way to God, then
surely, we can speak this way to our fellow human beings.
Civil discourse is a lost art
today, but it doesn’t have to be. It contains the basic elements of what it
means to be a good person. We have to be humble in our disposition and in how
we relate to other people. When we talk or write we need to understand that we
are not the only ones in the world. It’s as the rabbis taught – we need to constantly
balance two statements, “for me the world was created” and “I am but dust and
ashes.” We should, the rabbis say, fight this spiritual battle between
arrogance and humility and ultimately for our sakes we need to tend toward
humility.
Civil discourse involves humility
and also involves knowledge of and a commitment to a core set of values.
Abraham knew what justice was and he felt that destroying Sodom and Gomorrah
would not be an act of justice. He felt he was within his rights to discuss this
with God. Abraham used God’s own language in order to discuss that issue with
God. That too is what we need to bring back today. We need to be familiar with
the Jewish perspective on social justice. We need to learn what Judaism has to
say about these topics and then feel comfortable in discussing them and
advocating for them with other people.
When having those conversations,
we need to remember that we are all, all of humanity, created with a divine
spark. If we see that spark in others then we can’t help but be humble before
them, we can’t help but be respectful of their position. We can’t help but
conduct the conversation with sanctity and with honesty.
Last spring our shul was the host
for the second part of a three
part dialogue series on racism. This dialogue series has been running for
at least 4 years in Montgomery County and it aims to bring people of different
religions and different races into a room together. Seated 10 to a table,
participants are guided by facilitators in confronting issues and answering
questions that help everyone get to know one another. Through activities
participants see how they respond to questions differently than others and participants
learn more about each other. They are able to put a face to the issue and
recognize that preconceived notions get quickly dispelled when in dialogue with
someone else.
I attended the session last May in
our social hall and was impressed by how effective the program was. Nearly 50
people attended, a few from our shul and the rest from the greater community.
The attendees felt they were in a safe space. Each person felt they were being
respected and valued. And each person was ultimately able to see the spark of
God in the other person.
As we embark on our spiritual
journey this Yom Kippur tonight and tomorrow, we do so by reciting a lot of
words. Let’s try to pay attention to those words. Let’s try to focus on the
meaning of the liturgy so that the words can enter our souls and can enter
God’s presence. May the humility with which we recite these prayers, and the
respect and reverence with which we utter them cause us to say all words with
respect and humility. If so then we can be forces for positive change this
coming year. Amen.
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