Yom Kippur Yizkor –
Gratitude
2019 – 5780
In the middle of August, the CNN
news anchor Anderson Cooper interviewed the late-night talk show host Stephen
Colbert. One might have thought that such an interview would cover Colbert’s
rise in the comedy world and his celebrity. Instead the conversation centered
on grief and loss. Both Cooper’s and Colbert’s fathers died when they were 10
and additionally 2 of Colbert’s brothers died with their father in a plane
crash. Cooper’s mother, Gloria Vanderbilt, also died earlier this year. Cooper
used the opportunity with Colbert to talk about feelings of grief and loss and
how these traumatic events affected their lives.
It is a remarkable interview and I
highly recommend watching the
20-minute clip on YouTube. The most fascinating moment in the interview was
when Cooper quoted an earlier statement of Colbert’s, in which he had once said
that “punishments of God are gifts.” Colbert acknowledged that he is a devout
Catholic. He said that he has his mother’s crucifix hanging in his office and
he finds great comfort and inspiration from his religion. Colbert firmly
believes that everything that happens in life, happens as part of God’s plan. As
the good Catholic he is, Colbert believes that God is imminent, that God is
active on earth and it is up to us to accept everything that happens and to move
on.
But not only to move on, but to
move forward knowing that everything that happens is a gift. It’s one thing to
believe that good things that happen in our lives are blessings and gifts from
God but the challenge for a devout Catholic like Colbert is to believe that the
tragedies in life, even the plane crash that killed his father and 2 brothers,
was a gift from God too.
After quoting Colbert’s statement
of theodicy – why bad things happen to good people – Cooper then with chutzpah
but I also think also with friendship and curiosity, asks Colbert, “do you
really believe that?”! Cooper, as a
fellow sufferer of tragedy early in life could not believe that Colbert could
affirm that the tragedy could be understood as a gift. How could anyone see
tragedy that way?
Colbert then gave an answer that I
found remarkable and inspiring. He said to Cooper, “Yes, it’s a gift to exist
and with existence comes suffering. There’s no escaping that…If you’re grateful
for life, you have to be grateful for all of it.” That is an amazing statement
to say especially being the brother and son of family members who died in a
plane crash. Instead of being angry, instead of wallowing in grief, instead of
being stuck in the moment, Colbert had risen above and developed a sense of
perspective and acceptance. For him, as a religious Catholic, there is no
choice but to have that attitude.
Colbert went on to say that he
knows only Catholics and Buddhists to have this religious perspective, but it
actually goes further back in history than that. We find this exact same
approach to death in the Book of Job in our Bible. Job we are told, and as we
may be familiar with the story, was the most righteous man on earth. He also
happened to be happy – he had a loving wife, many children, and he was
prosperous. He was known far and wide for his acts of good deeds and his
humility. God decides in chapter one to allow the angel Satan to play a game
with Job. Satan argues that Job might not be so righteous if everything were
taken away from him. God then allows Satan to do what he wants with Job – just not
to kill him. Job, one day while traveling, hears from messengers that his crops
have burned down and that his children have died in a collapsed building and
Job responds, “Adonay natan, va-Adonay lakach, yehi shem Adonay mevorach – God
has given and God has taken away, blessed be God’s name.”
Though Job clearly isn’t grateful
that these tragedies have befallen him he immediately understands that it is
all part of God’s plan. He is willing to accept the bad from God just as he has
accepted until that point all the good that God had given him. Job’s saintly
attitude became for the rabbis the standard all of us should live up to. The
rabbis understood the mystery of God’s role in our world and in our individual
lives and they declared that because God is all powerful and all knowing that
there is no choice but to have Job’s religious attitude. Anything less,
including questioning why these tragedies happen, would ultimately be
understood as questioning God.
Job was able to accept the death
and destruction in his life. But where does gratitude come in? How does one
reach the point of being able to be thankful for everything that happens? I
think the following story will illustrate this point. On July 19, 1989 – 30
years ago – United
Airlines flight 232 crash-landed outside of Sioux City, Iowa. Of the 296
people on board, 111 (just over 1/3 of the passengers) died. Of the survivors
only 13 people walked away unscathed. Martha Conant was one of them.
As part of NPR’s
storyboard series, Martha shared these comments. Asked if she ever thought
there was a reason why she survived unharmed Conant said, “I have asked myself
that question so many times. When survivors were being fed and cared for, I
ended up talking to a young man who was a social worker. And he said, ‘God must
have a reason for saving you. You haven’t finished your life’s work yet.’”
Conant goes on to say, “I was quite troubled. It felt like I was saddled with a
lot of responsibility…to figure out, ‘what is this work I’m supposed to be
doing?’ And then the flipside is God didn’t have any more work for all those
other people, and I don’t believe that.”
Conant concludes by saying, “That
event was like being picked up by the scruff of the neck and shaken and God
says, ‘This is your only life. Just be grateful that you’ve got these days and
these hours and these wonderful people in your life. Just be grateful for
that.’ One of the things that has followed me, surrounded me, wrapped me, I
think, is that feeling of gratitude.”
It seems that Stephen Colbert and
Martha Conant were able to feel gratitude only after years of coping with the
grief. Even accepting the fact of the tragedy in their lives was a remarkable
step, but then certain people after enough time has elapsed, have the capacity
to sense gratitude as well.
As
we prepare to recite the Yizkor-memorial prayers, I recognize that for some us
this service and these prayers reopen the wounds in your lives. No matter how
long it has been since our loved one has died, being forced to think about it
and recall the memories can be overwhelming and difficult. Some of us may not
be in a place to accept the finality of the death, let alone be able to start
living meaningful lives without those we remember today.
It takes a lot of resources and
psychological tools to be able to cope meaningfully with loss and tragedy. What
Job and Stephen Colbert may have in common is an incredibly strong sense of
faith. They knew without a shadow of doubt that God was with them and that God
would see them through. Knowing that “God has taken” is just as important as
knowing that “God has given”. If we have that faith then life, with its trial
and travails, becomes livable.
But if we don’t have that strong
sense of faith then we need other resources. Our liturgy forces us to be
spiritual and see God every day. Every day when we wake up we’re supposed to
say, “modeh ani lefanecha Melech chai ve-kayam, she-he-chezarta bi nishmati
be-chemlah rabah emunatecha – I am grateful to You, eternal Sovereign, for
returning my soul to me in kindness – how great is Your faithfulness.” From the
moment we wake up we are to be grateful for being alive. Then three times more
in the Amidah prayer – the prayer that serves as the core of each service 3
times a day – we also express gratitude for the miracles we experience daily in
our lives. Everything that happens, the rabbis teach, from even the instinctive
action of breathing to more complicated tasks we perform, are all seen as
miracles.
On our own we may not feel
grateful. We feel tired every day, we feel frustrated in not completing tasks,
we feel overwhelmed by responsibilities and obligations. But how often do we
feel grateful? Do we actually take a moment to look at the world around us with
awe? Do we take the time to tell our partner, our children, our parents that we
love them? These prayers remind us that we need to do that. They are the
ancient version of a modern-day app on our smartphone that would automatically
send a notification to remind us to tell our spouse we love you. The habit of
saying these prayers every day is supposed to create a sense of gratitude in
us.
We also know that we are not
alone. Often when experiencing a loss, we sense that we are going through this
tragedy by ourselves. When my father in law died last year and I traveled to
New York for the funeral and shiva, I remember thinking how could the world be
continuing as usual around me? Don’t they – the people around me, the cars
passing me on the Turnpike - know that my father in law just passed away? It’s
terrible to feel so frustrated and angry at the world and feel in that moment
that we are experiencing this all by ourselves.
But, again, our tradition reminds
us that when we say the traditional words of comfort we are not alone. “Ha
makom yinachem etchem be-toch she’ar aveilei Tzion vi-Yerushalayim – may you be
comforted among the rest of the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem.” I know when I
say this at a funeral and at the end of the service in the shiva house that
most people have no idea what this means. But it acknowledges that we are all
mourners. It acknowledges that though we haven’t experienced the loss of that
particular family member ourselves, we all nonetheless have experienced the
great communal tragedy of the destruction of the Temple in Jerusalem.
Therefore, we say to the mourner, that he or she isn’t grieving alone. The
mourner isn’t crying by themselves. We are all in the grieving process together
and have been for 2,000 years. We know what it feels like to lose something
precious. We know what it means to lose something that is so central to our
lives. We therefore can be there for you, we say to the mourner, because we
know how you feel.
What our tradition teaches us is
that gratitude can be acquired. When watching the Colbert interview, I was
moved by his devotion to his faith and his sincere conviction in his belief. I
never knew that Stephen Colbert was such a devout person. But in light of what
our tradition teaches us about coping with tragedy I can better understand
where Colbert developed his faith and conviction. He’s had 45 years since the
plane crash of going to Church with his mother, of continuing to believe what
Catholicism teaches, and it has led him to be grateful for what God has given
him and for what God has taken away from him.
Can we feel that way too? I can’t
tell you how to believe. I can’t tell you how to grieve. But I can say that I
have seen how ordinary people, members of our congregation have mourned the
death of their spouse and of their parents and even their children. I have seen
the incredible emotional strength that you have in dealing with the loss and
the determination you have to continue living. You may not know it or feel it,
but you are an inspiration to your families and to your communities.
Somehow, we all have the strength
within us to survive crisis and tragedy. Though we may not feel that way in the
moment when the wound is still fresh, we do manage to get up in the morning,
put one foot in front of the other and go about our tasks. The human spirit is
strong and the will to live is powerful. What our tradition provides is a
supplement to our willpower. Our tradition provides the rituals by which we can
enhance our daily life. It provides the words to express our grief and the
words to express our comfort and consolation. Our tradition also provides a
framework by which we can navigate our daily life and cope with the obstacles
as they appear.
Acceptance and gratitude may seem
beyond our reach. Stephen Colbert and Martha Conant may seem to be remarkable
human beings. But they are no different than you and me. When faced with trauma
they continued to live. When figuring out how to move forward they found a
values-based system that worked for them.
So too our rabbinic tradition
provided us with the words to express the gratitude that we should feel every
day. By saying these prayers, we subconsciously create within us an instinctive
sense of thanks – thanks for being alive, thanks for being in this miraculous,
beautiful world. In fact expressing gratitude is such a significant prayer that
the rabbis said, (Vayikra Rabbah 9:7) “Rabbi Pinchas, Rabbi Levi and Rabbi
Yochanan [said] in the name of Rabbi Menachem from Gallia: In the time to come,
all sacrifices will be annulled - but the sacrifice of thanksgiving will not be
annulled. All prayers will be annulled, but the prayer of gratitude will not be
annulled.” No matter what may happen in the world around us, no matter where
our lives may lead us, there is one thing that is for sure – we will always
have the need to say thank you.
Last January, one of America’s
most renowned poets, Mary
Oliver, passed away. She won the Pulitzer Prize for poetry in 1984 and the
National Book Award in 1992. Among the hundreds of poems she wrote about simply
and profoundly responding to the natural world around her, this one “My Work is
Loving the World”, highlights our sense of gratitude. “My work is loving the
world. Here the sunflowers, there the hummingbird - equal seekers of sweetness.
Here the quickening yeast; there the blue plums. Here the clam deep in the
speckled sand. Are my boots old? Is my coat torn? Am I no longer young and
still not half-perfect? Let me keep my mind on what matters, which is my work,
which is mostly standing still and learning to be astonished. The phoebe, the
delphinium. The sheep in the pasture, and the pasture. Which is mostly
rejoicing, since all ingredients are here, Which is gratitude, to be given a
mind and a heart and these body-clothes, a mouth with which to give shouts of
joy to the moth and the wren, to the sleepy dug-up clam, telling them all, over
and over, how it is that we live forever.”
As we prepare to recite the
memorial prayers let us try to be comforted by our loved one’s memory. Let us
allow ourselves to feel embraced by their presence. Let us recognize how strong
we are to be here today and remember them. Let us accept that this is our life
today, bereft of our loved one’s physical presence but filled with gratitude
for having had them in our lives and for the lessons they imparted. May their
memories always be a source of blessing and comfort. May their memories allow
us to say thank you. Amen.
Comments
Post a Comment